Bonnie Anne - Two Months Old

John went back to work and it was time for me to go solo...  Mum was here for the first two days which helped with the transition. It's then been an up and down month.  Early on Bonnie seemed to have such pained wind that was pretty distressing.  That seemed better the following week and then Bonnie got her harness for developmental dysplasia of the hip.  At that time Bonnie's feeding seemed to become more problematic and we had a screamy baby for several days.  Then we settled back into a good routine for about a week, then came some unsettled nights with a tired mamma during the day. The month ended well with Bonnie's first trips away to Malvern and up to Orkney.

Highlights of the month

• seeing smiley happy girl.  She particularly seemed to smile at night which always brightened the bleary eyed mother.  In the last week she has smiled more and more and made me feel very special by seeming to smile particularly more at me
• when bathing our girl at the NOC during the first harness change, it felt so special to see how tiny she looked again with no clothes or harness.
• baby college lunches. Having braved the ridiculously named Baby College classes, I was rewarded by a lovely burger Monday lunch out with really nice other mums.
• royal wedding.  Very exciting to watch especially as it was in Malvern with a family party with bunting!
• Brasenose chapel and formal hall.  Far beyond my comfort zone, but we were invited and encouraged by kind people so we went with it and enjoyed it! It also encouraged me that we can do lots with Bonnie - just got to go for it and not worry!
• reusable nappies.  I did read beforehand that you can find yourself enjoying reusable nappies and surprisingly it's true! I have enjoyed talking to people about them and sharing the benefits and also find the joy in having them drying them on the balcony and folding them ready to use.
• trying out groups. Definitely a nervous endeavour but feel proud of all that I've been to.
• Being in Orkney.  A wonderfully restful holiday delighting in the tranquility of Orkney.  The weather was beautiful: clear skies, fresh breeze and even warm.  Special time with Aunty and an amazing time finding Happy Valley.

Tough bits of the month

• Bonnie's very pained cries after feeding and not being able to wind her.  The first week of the month was tough and a lot of time spent walking and patting her after each feed.  Pleased and surprised that that has died down and she seems to burp herself now.
• Finding out she needed a harness as her hips aren't correct. Quite a shocker at the NOC when we thought she was just having her turning in feet checked out.  The ultra-sound revealed her right hip socket was flat rather than round.  The physios were very efficient and put the pavlik harness on her explaining everything to us. It's really good that it was picked up early and should be corrected in such a non-invasive way which doesn't bother her at all.  But it still left me sobbing in the afternoon while cuddling her not wanting her to have to have anything wrong.  It definitely made me feel like a mummy.  And I was grateful for the reminder of just how precious she is and how fortunate we are to have her with us and so I gave extra tight cuddles.
• screams when trying to feed, not latching. It was a tough few days when the harness came as feeding seemed to go backwards and we weren't really getting there.  I asked John to get up the first night each time as I didn't feel strong enough to do it on my own and wanted the support.  Fortunately after a few days, feeding got back on track.
• back and shoulders and arms.  The first month I was concerned about my back aching when I was breastfeeding.  That's generally better now but still aches after I hold her for more than 10 minutes or so.  Now it is my shoulders that hurt more.  I have been breastfeeding her with my arm between her legs since she has had the harness and that has particularly seemed to trouble my left shoulder.  And has also moved down my arms sometimes.  I have tried one upper body post natal youtube yoga video, and I should try find time to do that more.
• In the last week I have started to feel more tired.  I had a couple of more disturbed nights with Bonnie and noted the after effects in the day and even managed my first afternoon snooze.   I had been feeling rather guilty at not feeling as tired as everyone suggested I should be!
• Baby acne.  You were covered in spots all over your face and chest as well.  It got to the stage that your cheeks seemed just one big roughness but now you are spot free and soft cheeked gorgeousness again.

Eating
After the trouble in the middle of the month Bonnie is so much stronger and knows what she is doing compared to month one.  Well done little one! Or not-so-little-one as you are growing so well with your eating.  She definitely seems very chunky now but I guess a lot of that could be from the harness.  Generally speaking you are feeding every three hours.  Sometimes it's more often but we have learnt that is often just snacking and doesn't reset the three hours!  It's usually one side but sometimes two, although the second side can result in a lot of sick up on the breast!  You don't feed for very long - 5-10 minutes.

Sleeping
Most nights are good nights I think.  You usually wake every 3 hours for feeding and then there is settling time.  The settling time has reduced which means my total awake time has gone from an hour, to 45 mins and now more often like 30 minutes and we even managed an 11 minute one this week! It has helped that you are not needing so much winding as at the beginning which tended to wake you up and then require lots of walking the carpet. Now sometimes I don't even get out of bed at all if the pram is right next to me. School nights we spend in the spare room to allow John to get some good sleep which seems to work. I have really enjoyed eating lots of snacks in the night feeds.  I feel now that I don't actually need them, so it is really best for me if I don't head into the kitchen at night!  A bad night would involve more frequent get ups than every three hours, and a girl who is awake after a feed or even so awake that we have a two hour wander/netflix time in the middle of the night (only a handful of those so far).  You still only go to sleep in our arms, or out and about in the pram or car.  The sling also works really well usually at getting you to sleep and we have had several meals with you in the sling snoozing while we drop food on your head! There is the odd indication where you might be making progress in falling asleep in your pram when awake; you've settled yourself when waking when we've put you down a couple of times.

Likes
Happy on the changing mat now.
Looking at ceiling lights whether they are on or off.
About 15 mins play mat time of looking at the hanging things and occasionally batting them.
white noise played by Alexa.  I'm slightly worried you will think your name is Alexa rather than Bonnie!  You even seem to settle now when Alexa says 'white noise to help your baby sleep, sleep through the night by baby white noise, from spotify'.
car journeys- you are even chilled awake now sometimes!
Being held out in front of you.
Just at the end of the month we had the first thing that seemed to create a smile in you.  Singing 'row row row your boat' with the verse that Aunty Helen taught us: 'if you hear a hissing sound it might be a snake, sssssssss'.  After the ssssss she smiled on at least 3 repeats!

Dislikes
Arms being put in clothes.
Lying down to go to sleep.

Changes (a new category for things that I can't seem to put in the other subheadings!)
You are liking licking the back of your right hand as a sort of comfort when you're fussy.  You are getting closer to putting fingers in your mouth.
You are just outgrowing size one nappies and finding size two roomier!  We still change at most feeds, though not quite as consistently anymore.
You're losing hair - like your daddy you're thinning on top!
So much more alert this month.  You will spend a long time looking at us. Special!

I realise the grammar in this is totally random with me sometimes referring to Bonnie in the third person and sometimes writing to you!

Packing with baby

Last weekend we had our first nights away with Bonnie.  It was quite a big undertaking loading everything in the car but there wasn't anything I felt like I had forgotten (unlike today where I didn't have the changing mat or purse at the hospital - fortunately I managed without). I made a list to help me remember everything to load, so I thought I might copy that here and add to it as I think of more.

• changing bag
• nappies, 
• wipes, 
• mat
• muslins
• bucket

• sling
• hippie

• Bonnie clothes 
• hats

• sun cream 
• calpol
• thermometer

• pram
• pram cover
• parasol
• spare matress covers
• blanket

It's OK

Writing about enjoying life with my Bonnie, made me realise how much I have appreciated hearing the struggles that others go through, so that I know when non-ideal things happen to me that 'It's OK'.  And being a list liker, here I will try to record them.  These are all things that we have heard from others, either since having Bonnie or from before but I've remembered, and we have found to be true. I feel if I was on twitter this is where I'd start #itsok.

• It's ok to drop food on your baby's head as you eat dinner while cuddling them or having them in a sling. I found a pea wedged in Bonnie's neck once when taking her out of the sling.
• It's ok to take night shifts if you're baby won't sleep in the night.  John and I did this for most of Bonnie's first week home from the hospital as she wouldn't sleep if we put her down.  This wouldn't have occurred to me as acceptable if I hadn't heard of others doing this for several months.
• It's ok for the husband to sleep in another room, or even another house.  Just because they are not up in the night as often, doesn't mean an uninterrupted night's sleep isn't incredibly important to them and ultimately to you. It isn't a bad reflection on your marriage.
• It's ok to love your baby so much but also have times that you would like to through them out of the window.  I haven't felt this yet, but I appreciate hearing others say this.
• It's ok to be out in public with baby sick on your clothes.
• It's ok to answer the door in your dressing gown, or even breastfeeding!
• It's ok not to be able to cook.  I couldn't even take salad out of a bag and put it on plates!
• It's ok to eat cake and biscuits in the middle of the night. A lot.
• It's ok for your baby to go to sleep in the same clothes they wore during the day. No one told us that one... we've just gone with it.
• It's ok for your baby to wear any assortment of clothing.
• It's ok to achieve nothing around the house and to have nothing to show for it at the end of the day except a baby who is alive.
• It's ok to go to a baby group and for your baby to sleep through it all.  It's good enough you're out the house and you might make some friends.
• It's ok for your baby to cry in public.
• It's ok not to know what you're doing and make it up as you go.
• It's ok to spend so long jiggling your baby that you don't know how to stay still.
• It's ok not to be on time for anything, best to give yourself an arrival window of an hour and any time within that is a success. (23/5/19)
•  
• It's ok not to shower.

Blogging with baby

I have had quite a few blog posts running through my head whilst out and about with Bonnie.  I like the thought of keeping a blog through this wonderful adventure of parenthood but realise that actually making the time to record may not be that easy, but I'll have a go making a start.

Bonnie is currently nearly 8 weeks old and I am trying hard to appreciate this time, as I feel I have got it very good at the moment.  Funnily enough, at that point Bonnie started screaming so I had to get up and come back to this a bit later! She is in a sling on my front and for now she is breathing heavily and is asleep.  So back to this being a good time and appreciating it.  I feel this is the time that I am going to be able to do most 'me' things as she sleeps for most of the day and is non mobile so when she is awake, I can still go to the toilet etc without her getting up to mischief!  I also feel we have a good girl who sleeps pretty consistently at night (whilst waking every 3 hours to feed), travels happily in the car, is feeding well at the moment and an usually can be settled to sleep quickly in the sling to give me hands free time.  Also, we have been encouraged to have Bonnie in the sling a lot to help her hip so that's a bonus.  Our baby isn't on a schedule so we can pick her up and travel about doing what we would normally do without too many considerations.  Way to go Bonnie!

I have been delighted with how much I have been enjoying life with our girl. The feeling of love for her is so immense and such a fantastically special feeling.  But I think you can still have that feeling, without enjoying this stage of life in the here and now.  I have been mulling it over and think my enjoyment is probably due to two reasons.

1. Bonnie is a good baby.  Lots of people have asked 'Is she a good baby?' and my answer is usually 'I don't really know because we don't have anything to compare her to, but I think so. We are going to keep her!' 
2. My expectations for this time were really low.  A new parent, a few years ago said:  'No one says just how hard it is'. That stuck with me and tallies with things others have said (most commonly 'sleep when baby sleeps') so I was really expecting to be beyond tired with a constantly crying baby and getting nothing done at all all day.  Also, all the messages I have had from recent parents since having Bonnie, have shared the tough things they have experienced too. With this in mind, I had low expectations so anything I have achieved has felt super exciting and worth congratulating myself for and left me feeling happy even though I might not really have done that much.
3. OK I thought of a third (Four Weddings Flashback) although it is pretty closes related to the second. I have allowed myself and given myself permission to take it easy.  I had a morning where Bonnie was being quite tetchy and wouldn't settled and we had not had a particularly good night.  I had been jiggling her around trying to get her asleep and also tidy the kitchen.  About midday, it occurred to me that maybe it was going to be one of those days and I should forget about going to rhyme time in the afternoon and instead call the day 'a cuddles and box set on the sofa day' and then I relaxed and we had a nice day together.  And I think Bonnie probably settled once I was more relaxed too.

Now the trouble with feeling happy and enjoying this time, is that I can't really say that to any other new mums.  I don't want to be the annoying mum who is so upbeat and appears to have everything together with the dream baby and so makes everyone else feel bad and hate them.  I don't think I really have it all together, it's just that thing that my expectations are lower.  And less selfishly, but more importantly, a big part of feeling good is knowing it's ok to have low expectations because others have or are experiencing the same things.  The encouragement and empathy have I received have really carried me through.  Whether it's texts from my friends reminiscing about their early parenthood days, or mothers at groups marveling that we are out the house, it has all helped me to feel good about where I am at.  At the lunch after the baby group on Monday, a mother with a 3 week old 'confessed' to leaving her baby crying while she showered.  We all sympathised and said its fantastic she showered at all.  She then said that it wasn't until speaking to us that she realised it was ok not to shower or have a baby crying.  It made me sad that she didn't have people telling her it was ok to be struggling to do stuff and so I'm keen to share as many of my struggles with others as possible!  There's another idea for a post!

So I shall try to commence a few little posts I have had in mind while Bonnie still sleeps in the sling, but to be honest, I shall probably just eat my lunch (which I made while jiggling around in the sling to get Bonnie to sleep) and watch ER!

Flowering Cactus

Six years ago I was giving a flowering cactus by a somewhat tricky boy in my class as a Christmas present. What a nice idea and it had lovely flowers.  It moved here when we married and I even repotted it at one point into a bigger pot.  It has spent some time on the balcony and got somewhat munched until I rescued it and brought it back in.

When we came back from the hospital, I wondered if my eyes decieved me, or were there some tiny tiny pink buds on the ends of the leaves??? After a few days I felt confident enough to ask John if he had noticed them.  And now, a month on, we actually have some flowers!!  And lots of buds! How exciting that it has finally flowered after 6 years.

Exceptional ER Episodes

While I was pregnant I finished watching all the seasons of ER.  When I was on maternity leave waiting for our baby to come, I decided to start from the beginning again and watched a few episodes.  Today I decided to carry on and watched Season 1, Episode 10, Blizzard.  It was one of those that makes me go wow and shake my head in admiration.  I love ER but sometimes an episode takes it to the next level and really stands out.  I decided to make a list of those episodes as I go through the 15 seasons again.

• Season 1 - Episode 10 - Blizzard

I love the larks the staff get up to at the beginning while there are no patients during the blizzard (Mark and Susan casting Carter, spinny chair basketball) and then the drama of the preparations for the arrival of the mass casualties.  And then the discovery of Dr Bob!


And when I have made it to the end of them all, I will try read this article and see how many of these were on my list: 10 episodes that will remind you why ER was the top drama of the '90s

Bonnie Anne - 1 Month Old

I have read baby milestone posts on blogs for quite a few years and decided it's time to have a go at doing one for my precious little girl, Bonnie Annie Grace.  She is now actually 5weeks and 5days but I will try to think back to her being a month old.  Fortunately Mum gave me some really cute Peter Rabbit milestone cards so I have the incentive to take photos every month so that should spur me on and remind me to record on here too.

  (I knitted this penguin when I was pregnant and it certainly turned out larger than I was expecting!  Hopefully useful though for size comparison photos over the months)

I am also recording in other ways too:

• I have a Peter Rabbit baby book for Bonnie for a keepsake. 
• I have written down my memories of birth and being in the hospital in a notebook. 
• I have been really enjoying jotting things down in the New Mum's Notebook I was gifted just before Bonnie was born. 
• Keeping a brief daily record of the things we do each day in a diary.

I described the first month like this to a friend yesterday:
Week 1 - living feed to feed on the three hour cycle, never really feeling we could look further ahead.
Week 2 - taking a deep breath and trying getting out and about a bit.  Each outing was a big deal.
Week 3 - feeling more confident that we can actually manage to get out.
Week 4 - yay - let's go on adventures and enjoy life as a family of three.
It has been so special that John has been around for the whole first month of Bonnie's life.  We have loved being all together and learning together.

Highlights of the month

• having baby girl on me for the first time. It was amazing after 35 hours of labour to have our baby lifted up to me and put on my chest.  Made all the labour and pregnancy worthwhile instantly.  It was a short while till we knew if she was a boy or a girl.
• every time I have looked at her and been amazed that she is ours and we get to keep her and feeling overwhelmed with love that I am brought to tears
• not having to cook for a month! Between gousto, very generous and super chef parents, and a two week meal rota from CCC life has been wonderfully cooking-free for me.
• choosing and sharing her name.  We narrowed it down from the short list of 27 girls names and on day 9 she was finally named.  And we are very happy with her name.
• having her sleep on me.  So lovely when she looks all snug and sleepy.
• watching the commonwealth games with her - perfect timing having 10 nights of entertainment just after she was born.  I became a big fan of the netball.
• feeling excitedly free when Bonnie slept in her pram for the first time.  As precious as it is to have her sleep on us and nice to know that's what makes her feel safe, it was great to have her asleep in the pram so John and I could do things at the same time, including sleep at the same time!
• being humbled by the number of cards and gifts sent to us.  Wow.
• watching our little girl lap up her milk from a cup - who knew that was a thing?!
• then feeling we were nailing this feeding malarkey! Woop woop goodbye pump and now feeding out and about.
• feeling confident enough to go on adventures as a family of three: Cotswolds walk, National Trust house, Crazy Bear farm shop.
• not having to take gaviscon any more - amazing realisation the first morning after she was born that I hadn't been up in the night and then clearing out all the bottles back home.  And enjoying chocolate again.
• midwives being amazed that Bonnie had put on 170g in 2 days
• learning things to do that sooth Bonnie and feeling we are beginning to know our baby girl.

Tough bits of the month
I think I'm a very positive person in life and that hasn't stopped since having Bonnie.  I feel we have been blessed with a wonderful baby.  We haven't got anything to compare her to, but hearing other people's stories, I'm pretty sure we have a good one and we are keeping her!  That said, I think it helps to realise how good you have it, if you also record the things that have maybe been struggles.  It also stops me being one of those really annoying mothers that everyone gives evils to at groups as they are sugar coating it all to appear a supermum! And also, hearing about things that have gone wrong or been hard for others has really helped me.  I think that might actually be part of the reason why I feel things are going so well: I have pretty low expectations and was really expecting it to be hard and had been told that tough is normal.  Anyway, here's a list:

• losing a litre and a half of blood
• being in pain and exhausted walking to Sainsbury's
• not knowing if we would ever be able to put Bonnie down
• struggling to feed our baby girl
• expressing into a syringe when really tired
• flinching as I turned on the breast pump
• trying to comfort our baby crying in pain and not being able to wind her

Eating
 First two weeks was mainly expressed breast milk whilst always offering her the breast.  I kept detailed notes of how long she breast fed, how much she drank from the cup, and how many ml I pumped.  By day 5 Bonnie had lost 11% of her birth weight so the midwives put us on a feeding plan and referred us to the infant feeding team at the JR.  We also went to a baby cafe and by two weeks she was back to birth weight and we were then able to reduce the amount of pumping until she was just breast feeding by the end of the month.

Sleeping
Interesting... by the end of the month she would sleep in her pram, but only after falling properly asleep on someone or if we were out for a walk.  She would wake every three hours for a feed in the night and I would usually be back asleep in an hour.  I did a lot of paces around the lounge.

Likes
Classic fm.
Being jiggled by daddy, including on the bouncy ball.
Bumpy terrain in the car or pram - the more pot holes the better.
Being snug in the sling - usually sends her straight to sleep.

Dislikes
Being on the changing mat.